The King of Pop

Dear Michael Jackson,

The heat, oh, the heat.

Thanks for dying, you crazy sum-bitch. Makes my little
peccadillo look like a moon-walk in the park. Moon walk. Get it?
Puns. I love 'em.

P.S. Also, thanks to Farah and Ed McMahon, and Billy Mays.
Oh, what the hell, that dead Iranian chick didn't hurt either. It really is all about timing.

Kindest Regards

Mark Sanford
S.C. Governor and Swinging Skin Sword Associate Member

Don't Cry for Me, Suckas

Dear Former Gov. McGreevey, Sen. Craig., Sen. Ensign., President Clinton, et al.

Thanks for the invitation to join your club, The Swinging Skin Swords, which I must passionately decline. Why you would think I'd want to be part of your perverted little gang, I do not know. Question? Have you seen the chicks in Argentina? Have you? They're all smokin' hot! This is not about some chance encounter in a Minneapolis airport restroom, with a dude no less, this is the real thing. This ain't no middle-aged mid western staffer! This is the woman you actually give everything up for. You guys claimed to still love your wife! Are you kidding? I don't love my wife. I mean, I did, for like two semesters back at Yale, but that was a long time ago. I'm freakin' outta here. In two weeks, I'll be back in my yellow Speedo, walking the beaches with my--did I mention how hot she is?--Argentinian former mistress-now girlfriend. Suck on that, GOP.

Kindest Regards

Governor Mark Sanford

Ahh, the wee people...

Robin and I are in Ybor City Friday night when we were approached for a cup-a-la-dollas. Normally, this would be an older, down on his luck fella. On this night, the stars aligned, and a pretty decent looking bearded dwarf laid down the ole "you're a nice looking couple" line. He told us scraight-up he wanted to get drunk. All I had on me was a hundo, a tensky, and three ones. Junior made a move for the ten, I told him he could have the three, "enough for a tall boy" I said without irony or hesitation. He thanked me and rode off into the night. Ahhhh. Some days just work out.

Water restrictions, the handicapped, and such.

There is no greater joy than watching a retarded adult eat an ice cream cone. It is beautiful and joyous and simple. Like a cat playing with string, or an old man napping on a park bench. Mentally handicapped adults eat an ice cream cone with the reckless abandon of a child, even when they're forty (although most don't live that long). For most of us, sometime around adolescence, we switch to the ice cream cup. Say it out loud: ice cream cup. Ice cream cup. Now say: ice cream cone. See what I mean? I guess the cup seems more refined, more mature. Certainly more heterosexual. One thing for sure, it is infinitely more dull. So as I look forward to the summer months, I ask you, dear reader, to enjoy an ice cream cone. Ice cream cone. Ice cream cone.


Which brings me to the water shortage here in Florida. The gub-ment instituted draconian water restrictions as a result of a record year of non-rainfall. No washing of cars. Plants withered, lawns died. Several Homeowners Association presidents were found dead (Murder or suicide? Probably just old age.)

So during the drought, while the need for water was at its greatest, the gubment turned off the spigot. After 20-some inches of rain, they say 'water away'. When a man is starving, deny him food. When he hits four-bills, feed him.

God Bless you Dick Cheney

I watched the President's and former VP Dick Cheney's speech today and I now get it. What a relief! I have never had a revelation before. Sweet, sweet revelation. For the past several years I have read dozens of books about the war on terror, 9/11, and terrorism in general. I read a book by former U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix, for cryin' out loud. This wealth of knowledge, I believed, gave me a good handle on the whole thing. Alas, it took only a speech by Mr. Cheney to bring it all into focus.

Let me break it down for you, my dear reader.

Mr. Cheney correctly states that terrorists hate the United States. More specifically, they hate our values. So, ipso facto, we get rid of those pesky old values by euphamising torture and calling it "enhanced interrogation" and then turn to those smart-alecky terrorists and ax, "What's your problem with the good 'ole US of A, we got no values, just like you." Problemo solved.

Celebrities, testicles and such...

I believe it was Cesar Romero who said "In celebrito veritas". This means "in celebrity, there is truth". I love celebrities. I like the one's who have earned it (George Clooney, c'mon now) and those who haven't (Caylee Anthony). Or is it Casey. I always mix up the dead kids' name with the famous mom. Don't you just hate that? I do that with Scott Peterson (famous, convicted) and Drew Peterson (famous, not yet convicted). I have Phil Specter down pretty well, although in my head I call him Pill Sphincter. Remember Robert Blake? Whenever they would show him, all I could think about was whatever happened to that bird? They live like 50 years.

List of celebrities who, if encountered, I would out of respect acknowledge (with a slight, nearly impercepible nod that would let them know that I know), and then completely ignore.

1. Morgan Freeman
2. Vladimir Putin (something about that guy I like, not sure why.)
3. Bobby Hill (star of the excellent reality series King of the Hill.)

Celebrities, who, if encountered, would receive a nut shot from yours truly. Back of the hand, flick of the wrist, right to the stones. They got it coming, and I aim to give it to 'em.

1. Donald Trump/KISS's Gene Simmons. I have long believed that they are the same person.
2. Sean Hannity. Long line, I know. I would do a fake nut shot. We'd both have a laugh. I'd do another fake, and another laugh. Around the fifth or sixth time, I drop him like a sack of wheat.
3. Nancy Grace/Jane Velez-Mitchell. Although they are not the same person, I believe they share a non-soul. They do have stones, though, I'll give 'em that. And if I see 'em, I'm-a gonna backhand 'em.

Just a Friendly Heads-Up

The next time I hear somebody say, "It is what it is," I'm going to kick them in the face.

Hey, it is what it is.