Death and To-Do Lists

The great comedian Al Romas recently came up with an idea that was then previously made into a fairly watchable movie starring Jack Nicholson and the surprisingly philandering Morgan Freeman. Mr. Romas' idea and the gist of the movie is that everyone should create a list of things they want to do before they die--a Bucket List-- and set about doing it.

I'm generally not willing to take others advice about how to live, and in fact, often do the opposite, but the idea has great merit and so I decided to create said Bucket List and share it with all of you.

I assure you all of the items on the list are true, and things I've thought about for some time but allowed to simply float, untethered, around my mind.

Also, my list consists of three hundred twelve items, so I've decided to highlight a few and perhaps publish the rest in book form, which, with any luck, will be made into a movie starring Christian Slater and Will Smith.

Number 42:

For one week, have the courage to use the phrase "It is my understanding" the same way TV pundits, politicians, and others of questionable character use it: as a license to lie with impunity.

For example:

Glenn Beck: "It is my understanding that the government will not only be able to, but actually required to euthanize the elderly.

Is that so?

Steve: "It is my understanding that Lindsay Lohan is, at this very moment, eating a Sno-Cone in my attic".

Or something like that.

Number 12:

Bribe a public official.

I believe that this would be quite exciting and slightly less risky than you might think.

Me: Assemblyman Davis, it appears that Mercedes is quite taken by you as she normally doesn't allow that sort of, ahem, handiwork. Oh, hey, did you drop this envelope? Anyway, about that zoning issue. I understand the city would rather I not build a thirty foot fence on my property, but I assure you I'm only doing it so that my Ferris Wheel isn't visible from the street. Now, what say? Do we have a deal?

Truthfully, it would probably be something on a slightly smaller scale, perhaps an off-the-books campaign contribution in exchange for lunch with the Mayor, but I find the mere possibility exhilarating.

Number 24:

Meet a celebrity worth meeting. In order:

1.

2.

3.

I want to do it, but for the life of me I can't come up with any. I think I'd like to meet Jesse James, husband of Sandra Bullock and all-around dude's dude.

Number 61

Give a homeless guy a one hundred dollar bill. Actually, let me back up a bit. I've had an idea for a book that I've wanted to write for some time. It's called "One Hundred Thousand Dollars Worth of Bums". It's basically a photo book of me going around the country, giving a thousand homeless people a hundred dollars each and then writing short vignettes about each meeting. The book would be met with outrage from self righteous sorts, but it would bring great attention to the failures of society to tackle this issue.

Anyway, I have to start somewhere. And I don't have a hundred grand.

Number 5:

Be the father of something besides a child.

There are thousands and thousands of people history remembers because they took the time to think or do something in a new and different way.

Les Paul was the Father of the Modern Guitar.

Things I'm uniquely good at:

1.

2.

3.

I'll have to work on this.

Number 3:

Visit a place that is on the State Department's list of Hot Spots.

These include place like Mogadishu, Port au Prince, and Detroit. Seriously, though. It's not a death wish. There are just some things you have to see with your own eyes, and I think the Khyber Pass is one of them.

"The past is past, the future is now", said Christopher Walken (as Christopher Walken) in some movie. He's right, you know.