Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Health Care Journey




About a month or so ago, I received a letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida, my health care insurance company major medical provider. Like most Americans, I immediately placed the letter in my throw-away-later pile. This pile consists of other correspondence that should be opened and read, but won't be. Things from various charities, left-wing politicians, and other do-gooders.

For reasons unknown, I decided to open the letter, and was quite shocked at the content. Apparently, my health provider insurance carrier has an entire department devoted to auditing and reviewing premium payments. As the letter explained, I was actually being charged too much health insurance carrier premiums for the past six years. After a careful analysis, the auditor discovered that I was due a refund, which would be forthcoming.

Two days later, a gentleman showed up at my door. Well dressed, but not too well dressed, he introduced himself and explained that he was a field rep from BCBS of Florida, my insurance care health provider care company insurance, and that if I were so gracious to offer a few moments of my time, he would hand over a pretty nice-sized check. On a side note, over a glass of iced tea, the gentleman explained that he had been working for the company seven years, ever since he graduated college. In fact, he grew up in Detroit, poor as all get-out. Blue Cross of Michigan provided him with a full scholarship to attend Michigan State University. He was required only to intern at the company and work full time for one year after graduation, but found the experience so challenging, he decided to make a career our of it.

He explained that I would need to sign a few forms, which I gladly did, and he then presented me with a check for $2123.12.

Oh, but the story doesn't end there. A few days later, I was feeling ill. I made an appointment with my regular doctor, who took me that afternoon. Fairly certain he knew what ailed me, he nevertheless referred me to a world-renowned specialist, who also took me that very day. He explained that the issue would be quite serious if I lived in a third-world country like Canada, but American health care provisioning would take care of it, toute-suite. He excused himself and returned after making a quick call to my insurance health care company provider benefits company, who immediately approved the procedure.

Under a local anesthesia, the good Doctor and his capable staff of nurses performed a procedure, the name of which I still cannot pronounce. After a few hours in the well appointed recovery room, I was sent home, healthy as the proverbial horse. The entire system worked like a well-oiled machine, and yes, mistakes occasionally happened, but when they did, they were quickly corrected.

I was glad to pay my deductible and co-pay, which worked out to just over six dollars.

We have the best health insurance care benefits provider system in the world, and that fact cannot be disputed. So, don't be fooled by Obama-care government takeover socialism. Remember, your second amendment right to bear arms does not stop at the convention center door. Or on the sidewalk outside the U.N. Or at Camp David, if you happen to be out that way.

In closing, Eagles and Americans, freedom-loving yes-we-cans. Drill now, God has a plan.

P.S. I have no plans to run for Congress in 2010, but please feel free to continue asking.




Friday, September 4, 2009

Who Cares

Do you guys like impressions? Huh? Do ya?

Okay. This is my impression of your facebook status.

*deep breath*


"LOL Going to the store/school/work/beach/park/church/shopping/on a walk/bowling/to dinner/to lunch/to the gym/to work out LOL LOL LOL LMAO . . . Happy Friday! I hate Mondays! I can't sleep! I'm up early! I'm up late! Happy Friday! I'm tired! I'm sick! LOL LOL . . . Doing dishes/laundry/cleaning/need to do dishes/laundry/clean the house LMFAO . . . Read my blog! Come to my show! Buy my shit! OMG WTF LOL . . . I hate work/I love work/I am curiously indifferent to my place of employment . . . These are my politics/pay attention to my politics/I don't like Obama/I love Obama/whine/whine/whine/whine/whine/I said pay attention to my politics LOL LOL OMFG LOL LOL LOL . . . My kids/dog/cat/husband/wife/your momma/girlfriend/boyfriend did/said/is ____________ . . . OMFGLMAOZITLOL . . . Go Sports Team! Fuck that Sports Team! Your Sports Team Sucks/My Sports Team Rocks! LMAO . . . I'm cooking dinner/I'm making lunch/I'm fixing breakfast OMG . . . LOLHappyFridayI'mboredI'mboredLOLOLOLOLOLOLDidImentionmypoliticsLMAOI'mboredLOLOLOLXOMFTZ . . . Good morning! Good night! lol."



But, Robin, you put stuff like that in your status updates. What gives you the right to make fun of it here?


Well, I'm a stone cold hypocrite, so deal with it. LOL!!!!!! :)!! LMAOMF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL :):)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Death and To-Do Lists


The great comedian Al Romas recently came up with an idea that was then previously made into a fairly watchable movie starring Jack Nicholson and the surprisingly philandering Morgan Freeman. Mr. Romas' idea and the gist of the movie is that everyone should create a list of things they want to do before they die--a Bucket List-- and set about doing it.

I'm generally not willing to take others advice about how to live, and in fact, often do the opposite, but the idea has great merit and so I decided to create said Bucket List and share it with all of you.

I assure you all of the items on the list are true, and things I've thought about for some time but allowed to simply float, untethered, around my mind.

Also, my list consists of three hundred twelve items, so I've decided to highlight a few and perhaps publish the rest in book form, which, with any luck, will be made into a movie starring Christian Slater and Will Smith.

Number 42:
For one week, have the courage to use the phrase "It is my understanding" the same way TV pundits, politicians, and others of questionable character use it: as a license to lie with impunity.

For example:
Glenn Beck: "It is my understanding that the government will not only be able to, but actually required to euthanize the elderly.

Is that so?

Steve: "It is my understanding that Lindsay Lohan is, at this very moment, eating a Sno-Cone in my attic".

Or something like that.

Number 12:
Bribe a public official.

I believe that this would be quite exciting and slightly less risky than you might think.

Me: Assemblyman Davis, it appears that Mercedes is quite taken by you as she normally doesn't allow that sort of, ahem, handiwork. Oh, hey, did you drop this envelope? Anyway, about that zoning issue. I understand the city would rather I not build a thirty foot fence on my property, but I assure you I'm only doing it so that my Ferris Wheel isn't visible from the street. Now, what say? Do we have a deal?

Truthfully, it would probably be something on a slightly smaller scale, perhaps an off-the-books campaign contribution in exchange for lunch with the Mayor, but I find the mere possibility exhilarating.

Number 24:

Meet a celebrity worth meeting. In order:

1.
2.
3.

I want to do it, but for the life of me I can't come up with any. I think I'd like to meet Jesse James, husband of Sandra Bullock and all-around dude's dude.

Number 61

Give a homeless guy a one hundred dollar bill. Actually, let me back up a bit. I've had an idea for a book that I've wanted to write for some time. It's called "One Hundred Thousand Dollars Worth of Bums". It's basically a photo book of me going around the country, giving a thousand homeless people a hundred dollars each and then writing short vignettes about each meeting. The book would be met with outrage from self righteous sorts, but it would bring great attention to the failures of society to tackle this issue.

Anyway, I have to start somewhere. And I don't have a hundred grand.

Number 5:

Be the father of something besides a child.

There are thousands and thousands of people history remembers because they took the time to think or do something in a new and different way.

Les Paul was the Father of the Modern Guitar.

Things I'm uniquely good at:

1.
2.
3.

I'll have to work on this.

Number 3:
Visit a place that is on the State Department's list of Hot Spots.

These include place like Mogadishu, Port au Prince, and Detroit. Seriously, though. It's not a death wish. There are just some things you have to see with your own eyes, and I think the Khyber Pass is one of them.

"The past is past, the future is now", said Christopher Walken (as Christopher Walken) in some movie. He's right, you know.


Monday, August 24, 2009

In the meantime

While I am waiting to hear back from Dr. Mukhtar (see July 21 post) regarding a certain seven million red balloons, I have found myself with a little extra time on myself's hands. I'm sort of winding things down, work-wise, taking time to enjoy the sweet little things life has to offer, like my Spam folder.

I only vaguely recall meeting Emmanuel Archer and no doubt gave him (or her) my email address.

Based on his or her email address (kubino.mysky at aico dot co dot jp) she works for a Japanese Silestone distributor or manufacturer. I can't be sure because her employer's website is in Japanese. Even the photos. As most of you know, I greatly enjoy talking about solid surface countertops, so perhaps I met her at a conference, or in a chat room. This may explain why I can't recall meeting him-her.

Anyway, I was glad to receive the correspondence titled:

Subject : Incredible solution for smallsized babymakers!

How fortuitous! Since I will soon be in a financial position to make smallsized babies (perhaps by the dozens, who knows!), this will come in handy.

Wait a minute. Smallsized babymakers? Sometimes, some people call a you-know-what a "baby maker"! What exactly is Emmanuel inferring? Hmpf!

P.S. It was rumored that Milton Berle had a twelve inch baby maker.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Virginia Opossum


The Virginia Opossum (what we generally call Possum) is the only marsupial found in the United States. It has more teeth (50) than any mammal found in the U.S. Also, my dog Chester kills them like nobody's business. I am neither proud nor un-proud of this fact. It's just the way things are. I believe he was put on this earth to take possums down to the proverbial Monkey Chinatown (which, by the way, is just east of regular Chinatown. Take care when visiting, though, lest you be pummeled with feces and fried rice). This past Saturday night, a bit after midnight, I saw Chester trot around my truck in our fenced backyard. He had a look on his face that I'd only see twice before.


I knew it almost instantly. I turned the headlights on in the car to illuminate the side of the yard, and sure enough: a dead Possum.


I actually witnessed Chester kill a possum once. The danged thing was on the fence, snarling. He had every opportunity to make his escape. Once Chester had enough of his display, he yanked the poor creature off the fence by the back of his neck, shook him once, and that was it.

Death came quickly, as it often does.


Possum's don't actually "play possum" as a first line of defense. They hiss and snarl. Only if this doesn't work do they lay down, open their mouths, and play dead. Chester makes sure things move along to phase two. He's an impatient sort.


So, what does all of this mean? I think perhaps that when things are, they just are. There's no accepting or rejecting, figuring out or philosophizing. You witness an event and that's all there is to it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Easy Street, here I comes...

The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? I was fortunate to receive a very timely e-mail today from the finance minister of a for-obvious-reasons-unnamed country regarding a certain 20 million smackeroos, seven or so of which have my name all over it. Worry not, my friends, as soon as the check clears, I will share my windfall with all of you.

Dr. Mansu Mukhtar is quoted below:

The FGN account has been debited in your favor to the tune of 7million USD, and you are advised to contact me immediately.

I like it when sums of money are referred to lyrically. It feels right. "To the tune of seven million"...

Of course, credibility and integrity are key when dealing in the high stakes world of inter-country finance, and you cannot trust just anyone. So you can imagine how my mind was put at ease when Dr. Mukhtar wrote:

We shall not tolerate those lackadaisical attitudes exhibited by some Beneficiary under my predecessor and we have eliminated some of those unscrupulous charges invented by some Officials

Truth be told, I would have rather the Minister eliminated all of those unscrupulous charges, but I'm quite sure he did the best he could.

The key to dealing with any government bureaucracy is knowing "the code". For example, if you receive a call from the IRS about last year's tax returns, simply say to the agent "Jack Ruby" and the matter will be dropped. If you're in Bangkok and are detained on suspicion of what we all know you were doing there in the first place, confidently and in plain English, utter the phrase "Hong Kong Phooey" and you'll soon be on your flight home.

The country of -redacted- is no different and the good Doctor made sure to include "the code" so there would be no confusion.

Please quote the Code: Blue Diamond on your correspondence for Pass Identification. Congratulations in advance.
Yours truly, Dr. Mansur Mukhtar
Honorable Minister Federal Ministry Of Finance

I certainly will quote the code when I speak with Dr. Mukhtar. Perhaps when he and I are finished with the business of him giving me money for no apparent reason, we could become friends. We may meet somewhere, say Switzerland, for expensive dinners and champagne. He, of course, will have left his wife at home and be accompanied by a cheap hooker he thinks is classy. The other diners will stare at us, wondering "who is that odd pairing?" We'll have a laugh before he retires to his room and strangles the poor hooker.

But I am getting ahead of myself. First things first. I have to dig up some details, bank account numbers and so forth to get this thing moving along.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

We're goin' to a party!


At least one good thing has come out of the timely, proper, and decidedly un-tragic demise of the King of Pop: People are excited to attend the funeral. The lucky man pictured above (who may or may not be Fred Goldman--remember, from the OJ thing?) is overjoyed. How'd you like to be this guy's wife when she sees his picture in the paper? This guy's like a tweener at a JoBros concert. Geez. Creepy.

The crowd at the Staples Center will certainly be split. On the Jackson family side, mourners will celebrate MJ's life, and the four or so really big accomplishments of the man once dubbed "The White Michael Jackson".

On the opposite side of the arena, attendees will celebrate MJ's death. Closure of sorts for the Macaulay Culkins' and Bubbles' (wasn't he great in Webster?) and all of the other little boys that MJ admittedly slept with-but-in-a-sleepover-way over the years.

It's sorta like the crowd at an execution, where the mother insists David Wayne Lee, Jr. was a "good boy" who "fell in with the wrong crowd". On the other side, relatives of the family David Wayne Lee, Jr. carved up and buried in the basement. It'll be that sort of yin-yang dynamic.

Just another six months of so of 24 hour coverage and we can move on to more important things.